SOLITUDE

I will soon be 67.  This age is as full of changes and challenges as any age I have ever been.  One I am starting to notice more and more is increased amounts of solitude.  I have always been a bit of an odd duck and a loner, so I never had a multitude of friends, but I had a few very good friends I depended on, more than I knew.  Some of them have died, some of them have moved away, and some are dealing with challenges that occupy most or all of their time.  So I am alone a lot now. 

This is also connected to age.  Gone are the days I would hop on my bicycle and attend an event halfway across town, or start a large project involving long hours and hard work.  Been there, done that.  It's over.  I need small projects with short hours and light work.  I need to find new ways to structure my days.

Some days I wish I were a normal person, someone who enjoys card games, dinner parties, Hollywood movies and membership in the Altar Guild.  But I'm not.  I've tried, during other lonely times in my life, and it just doesn't work.  Many activities that other people enjoy bore the socks off of me.  I've tried hard to see it as an attitude problem, but I've never found an attitude that changes who I am, weird Arupa. 

I also wish I were a better person.  I struggle endlessly with my faults.  I am angry and judgmental far too much of the time.  I know that the results of anger and judgment, whether against the City Commission's treatment of the homeless people or some less noble instance of being dissed or slighted, has no result other than to increase the amount of anger and judgment in the world.

I do believe in the literal truth of that old song, "All You Need Is Love."  God is love and "with love all things are possible and there is nothing that is not possible."  The solution to my problems and to all problems - ending war, healing the environment, creating, on all levels - personal and planetary - a better world, is to become a loving person, starting with oneself, in this case me.  I hope with meditation, with prayer, to tame my angry mind and become someone who can love others and treat others as I would want to be treated.